Today, I texted my boyfriend saying hi. His response, "I got your best friend pregnant". FML
今天,我给我男友发短信说:“Hi”。他的回复是:“我把你最好的朋友肚子搞大了”。FML
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. Thinking I was being cute I spelled out "Marry Me" in alphabet soup, because that's her favorite. She took one look at it and started to laugh. She then began to spell out "no". She still ate the soup. FML
今天我向女友求婚了。为了显示我的风趣,我利用她最喜欢吃的字母汤拼出了“嫁给我吧”几个字。结果她看了一眼后哈哈大笑,并拼出了“不”字。拼完之后她竟然还把汤喝完了。FML
Today, my boyfriend called and said he was stopping by to talk. I didn't understand why he would stop by, so I asked if he was going to break up with me, he said no. Half an hour later, he knocked on my door to break up with me. FML
今天我男友打电话告我他过来有话说。我不明白为什么他要来于是问他是不是要跟我分手,他说不。半小时后我敲门告诉我跟我分手。FML
Today, while I was out to eat, I was approached by the restaurant manager. He told me that while he respected my personal choices, his patrons didn't feel comfortable with someone who used to be a man using the women's restroom. He thought I was a transsexual. I am a naturally-born female. FML
今天,我在外面吃饭的时候,饭店经理来找我谈话。他说虽然他很尊重我的个人选择,但是他的顾客们对于一个“曾经是男人”的女人用女卫生间感到非常不舒服。也就是说,他们以为我是个变性人。而我是个天生的女人。FML
Today, I was walking from my office to the place i had parked my car, a distance of approximately three blocks. As I was about to round the last corner I was forced to dive out of the way of a speeding car. As I looked up, I noticed that it was my car. FML
今天,我得从我的办公室走到我停车的地方,距离大概有三个街区远。在我准备转过最后一个街角时,一辆车超速驶来,我不得不赶紧跳到一边。我抬头的时候发现了??那车是我的。FML
Today, I was helping my dad move into his new house. It's a 4-bedroom house and he has three kids so it's perfect. I was wandering around and noticed that the first bedroom is his, the second is my older brother's, the third is my younger sister's, and the fourth is an office. I have no room. FML
今天,我帮我爸爸搬家到他的新房子。这是一个有4个卧室的新房子,而爸爸刚好有3个小孩,这真是太完美了。我在里面参观然后发现第一个卧室是爸爸的,第二个是我哥哥的,第三个是我妹妹的,第四个被装修成了书房。没有我的房间。FML
Today, I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate that I had sent in with the application. Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong day for 16 years. FML 今天,我在邮箱里收到了我的护照。他们把我的生日搞错了。然后我找到了我一起送去申请护照的出生证明。结果我发现我的父母16年来一直在错误的一天给我过生日。FML
  
  Today, my teacher demanded to talk to my dad because she thought he wasn't a good enough male role model because i'd misbehaved. i told her he had died of cancer in 20
  05. She said that my lie was rude, disgraceful, and that i should be ashamed, then gave me a detention. He actually did die. FML
今天,我老师要求和我爸谈话因为她认为我爸没给我起到一个好的榜样作用。我告诉她我爸在05年就死于癌症。结果她说我的谎言很粗鲁,没人性,不害臊,然后把我留校了。我爸是真的死了。FML
Today, I had to make a family tree for one of my classes. When I was going through it, I realized that both my parents have the same last name. So, I asked them about it and they told me that they are second cousins. FML
今天,我有个做张家庭族谱的作业。当我在做的时候,我意识到我的父母的姓其实是一样的。所以我去问他们这是不是个巧合,结果他们告诉我说他们实际上是表亲关系。FML
  Today, my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of a potential business partner. When he began to type 'virginia' into google, it auto-completed his search with his recent search for 'virgin boy assholes'. I have to go on business trip with him tomorrow. I'm a young guy. FML
  今天,我老板叫我去他的办公室,要给我看一个可能成为我们的商业伙伴的公司的网站。当他在谷歌里面打“Virginia”这个词的时候,网站把他的搜索自动补完成了他最近才搜索过的词条??“小处男的菊花”。我明天就要和他一起出差。我是个年轻男人。FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend to come over for dinner because I had some big news. He said he did too, and came over. After stuffing his face full of food, he broke up with me and said he'd re-enlisted into the marines, leaving in two weeks. I was going to tell him i'm 9 weeks pregnant. FML
今天,我让我男朋友来我家吃饭因为我有个大消息要告诉他。他说他也有个大消息要告诉我。在他吃得差不多的时候,他说要和我分手因为他两个星期以后就要去海军陆战队报道了。我准备告诉他我已经怀孕9个星期了。FML
Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for a while, and I was very excited to tell him the news. When I opened his office planning to surprise him with the news, I saw him making out with a man. FML
今天,我发现我怀孕了。我已经和老公试了很长时间,所以我等不及要把这个好消息告诉他。当我推开他的办公室的门准备给他一个惊喜时,我看到他和一个男的在亲热。FML
Today, I was looking in my laundry basket for a clean tank top to wear. As I felt around, I realized that most of my clothes were still wet after two days. After asking my mom what was wrong with the dryer, I found out that for two days my cat had been using my laundry basket as a litter box. FML
今天,我在我的洗衣框里面想找件干净的吊带衫穿,但是我感觉我衣服大部分都还是湿的,它们可都已经洗好两天了。我问妈妈烘干机是不是出了问题后,发现这两天我的猫一直把我的洗衣框当成它的私人厕所。FML
Today, my boyfriend gave me a poem saying "Roses are red, violets are blue, rubbish is dumped and so are you." FML
今天,我男朋友给我写了首诗:“玫瑰是红色的,紫罗兰是蓝色的;垃圾是用来甩掉的,你也是。”FML
Today, I just came back from the vet. I spent a lot of money on a pet tortoise at the local pet store and it didn't come out of its shell when I bought it. The owner just said it sleeps in the day and it'll be shy for a week or so. Turns out it was dead. FML
今天,我从部队退伍回来了。我在一个宠物商店买了一只乌龟,我买的时候它的头一直缩在壳子里面。老板说乌龟在睡觉,而且它比较害羞,过几个星期就好了。后来我发现那乌龟是死的。FML
Today, my husband of 9 years announced he was gay. He insinuated that he was only able to achieve erections because I looked like a man. FML
今天,我结婚9年的老公告诉我说他是搞Gay的。他甚至还暗示我说,他和我在一起的时候能硬起来,是因为我长得比较爷们。FML
Today, my wife is divorcing me because she wants to party more with her friends alone. One year ago, I followed her to Norway, where her family lives. I left my friends, family and job opportunities (which were very good) in order to live with her. Now I am shoveling shit on a horse farm. FML
今天,我老婆要和我离婚因为她想和她的狐朋狗友们多玩一玩。一年前,我跟着她来到了她老家挪威。我离开了我的朋友,家庭和一份很好的工作,就是为了和她一起住。现在我在一个马场铲马粪。FML
Today, my first girlfriend of over 3 years left me for another guy. She said she's looking for someone who can financially provide for her in the future. The dude owns a T-Mobile kiosk. I'm going to medical school. FML
今天,我交往了三年的女友离开了我找了个新男友。她的理由是她需要找一个可靠的未来的经济后盾。没错那个哥们确实是有一个卖手机的亭子。但是我就要在医学院就读了。FML
Today, I handed my PhD dissertation, which I have spent the past year researching and writing full-time. Last night, my roommate set an autocorrect on Word that changed "neither" to "nigger." I didn't notice until after I handed it in. My professor is black. FML
今天,我上交了我的博士论文,我花了半年的时间做调查来写这篇论文。昨晚,我的室友在微软WORD里面的“自动更正”里面把“也不是(neither)”这个词全改成了“黑鬼(nigger)”。我一直到交了论文以后才发现。更糟糕的是我的教授就是个黑人。FML
Today, I went to my first strip club for my friends birthday. I also found out what my girlfriend does for a living. FML
今天,为了给我哥们庆祝生日我们第一次来到了脱衣舞俱乐部。我也发现了我的女友的工作是什么。FML
Today, I found out that because of my high blood pressure I can't have sex for one month. My wedding is next weekend and the following two weeks are my honey moon. FML
今天,我发现因为我的血压太高,我一个月都不能OOXX。我的婚礼是下个星期,然后接下来的两个星期是蜜月。FML
Today, I found out that I am 14 weeks pregnant. The father of the baby is now engaged to my best friend, whom he was cheating on me with when I became pregnant. I'm going to be the maid of honor, 8 months pregnant with his child, at their wedding. FML
今天,我发现我已经怀孕三个多月了。孩子他爸现在已经和我最好的朋友订婚,在我怀孕的时候他一直和她有一腿。我将会是他们婚礼上怀着新郎的孩子8个月的伴娘。FML
  Today, this girl and I were chilling in my apartment and things got heated up and we started making out. One thing lead to another and the next thing I knew she was giving me head. I was getting ready to bust when she stopped, looked up into my eyes and said "Do you believe in Jesus?" FML
  今天,我和一个女孩在我公寓里面打发时间……然后我们都来了感觉,就开始亲热。一步接着一步,我正做好爽的准备,她突然停了下来,抬起头来望着我的眼睛说……“你信耶稣吗?”FML
Today, my girlfriend dumped me for someone else. An hour earlier I had just gotten permission from her dad to propose. FML
今天,我女友甩了我跟别人了。就在一个小时前,我才从她老爹那里得到求婚许可。FML
Today I went to a bar with two guys I was interested in. The first I'd been trying to go out with all semester. The second I had gone to dinner with and he seemed nice. I was the designated driver, they drank too much and on the way home hooked up in the back seat. FML
今天我和俩我感兴趣的男生泡吧。第一个是我这个学期一直想约的人,第二个是和我吃过一次饭、看起来还不错的男生。我被指定为司机,他们喝的是在是太多了,然后他们俩就在后座上勾搭上了……汗
Today, I passed a homeless person asking for change. When I politely apologized and told him I had none, he yelled angrily "who comes to this city without money?" I replied "apparently, you do." Wrong answer. He followed me, now screaming. FM
今天一个流浪汉向我要硬币我没给他,告诉他我身上没有,他非常生气的向我吼道:没钱谁TM来这个城市啊? 我回答 “很明显,你就是” 这个答案显然不对,他跟在我身后一直尖叫 FML
Today, I was talking to my mom lamenting the fact that none of my few relationships seem to last longer than 2 months. She asked why and I said, "because I'm paranoid, obsessive compulsive, judgmental, defensive, and stubborn." Instead of encouraging me, she said, "Well, at least you're honest." FML
今天我和老妈感慨事实上和我交往的男的都不超过2个月,她问我为什么,我回答:因为我偏激,强势,保守,还有顽固。为了鼓励我,她说 至少你还是诚实的 FML
Today, I was taking a shower when my boyfriend suddenly hopped in with me. We were getting a little frisky when my mom's hand unexpectedly came through the curtain, and dropped a condom in the bottom of the shower, all the while saying, "Keep it safe kids!". FML
今天我在洗澡的时候,男朋友忽然跳了进来,我们有一点点小兴奋地时候 老妈的手穿过了帘子 把套套丢在了浴池里,说:注意安全啊孩子们 FML
Today, I set up a camera in my kitchen to see who was stealing my 软妹子s. Turns out my mom had her boyfriend over. Good news, the 软妹子 s are safe. Bad news, I now have something recorded that I never wanted to see in my life.
 

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